Misadventures Of An Average Mom

Because Average is the New Awesome!

Empty

on April 26, 2015

Literally. I honestly just feel numb. I can be sitting and find that I will be staring off into space and my legs, arms, all of me just feels numb. Most of all, I think my heart feels the most numb and broken.

I didn’t really know what to expect on Friday with the D&C. I handle medical stuff well, so I don’t know if it was just the general idea of the procedure or the procedure itself that made me nervous. I’m guessing the former. There is no good solution in a case like this. If you miscarry at home you stand a chance of ‘catching it’ to do some kind of proper or more ceremonial handling but really you likely just flush it. It’s not a fish. At the office, it is handled like any other biohazard tissue but at least they do pathology testing. Same deal, it’s not an appendix or tonsils. Heck, they used to let you keep your tonsils even. But, I know I feel that way because I am it’s mother. To me, no matter what size it was or what form it had, it was MY baby. I think that is the aspect that hit hardest.

As far as the actual procedure went, well, like they said would happen the details are getting fuzzier. The nurses went over everything in a considerably more hurried and blaze´ manner than I would have preferred but I understand they have to be compassionate enough but detached given how many of those they see. They prepped an IV, gave me the torodol shot for numbing, and just generally explained things or let me be. My doctor was on call in the hospital and held up with a patient when the time came for my appointment. I took the lull as an opportunity to make a semi-desperate plea. I don’t know what their practice is, but I wanted to see if they had the ultrasound picture on file. I know it seems silly to want it, but it’s the only thing I would have had. I just wanted something to show it was there. She said in the case of a demise they don’t usually give them and most of the time the pictures are done in real time anyway so there likely isn’t an image even saved. I think that is poor practice, personally, but I guess I’m not the doctor. The nurses brought Paco in since it could have been around a half hour wait for the doctor. Luckily it didn’t take that long. I didn’t want to just get it over with, but I didn’t want to sit there waiting either.

My doctor gave me the IV versed to make me ‘sleepy, woozy, selectively amnesia-tic’ whatever of those you want to go with. I remember commenting that it worked really fast and when I turned my head it had that ‘just getting drunk’ feeling. I remember tearing up and just generally being sad (obviously) when she started. I know I felt it and I heard it but I didn’t really react. I may have been trying to talk throughout part of it just because when I am stressed or nervous I talk. I do remember as my doctor was leaving her and the nurses were talking about how obvious it was I have a high pain tolerance because I really didn’t even wince, let alone tense or anything. They said I was a champ.

I really haven’t had any physical anything to write home about. I never got cramps with periods (when I got them…) so I guess this isn’t too much different. I have had minor twinges of discomfort but mostly it’s my emotional state that is suffering. I don’t want to dwell and I am going to try not to. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. All of my friends have been amazing supportive and coming out of the woodworks to describe their own experiences with a miscarriage. It helps because it acknowledges it. It makes it real. It shows it happened, that even if just for a short time it was there. But, people aren’t going to want to be reminded. They aren’t going to want to feel awkward. They aren’t going to want to be around a sad person and not know what to say or say the wrong thing. I wouldn’t either but I just don’t know how I am supposed to carry myself right now.

I’m going to get a beautiful perennial flower to plant in my cutting garden. With it I will get some kind of memorial stone or angel to place in front. Then, since I have nothing else, I will have that flower every year. I also got this beautiful necklace for myself because, I don’t know, I guess I just need something to help grieve or acknowledge. I chose the April crystal since the diamond is April’s birth stone. I look forward to getting it to wear. To remember.

https://www.etsy.com/transaction/1024519645?campaign_label=transaction_buyer_notification&utm_source=transactional&utm_campaign=transaction_buyer_notification_010170_10529880387_0_0&utm_medium=email&utm_content=&email_sent=1429884324&euid=fW3-yjJjcvIW0jgEOgWIKvVTL_cB&eaid=80507716&x_eaid=a0a950de98

I know I will get through this time. I have two beautiful and amazing kids already that need me. I need them too. I know I am lucky to have them when so many have lost many pregnancies without any kids. But, I was still looking forward to having 3 running around and to see what this child would be. There will always be a part of my heart that is just a little empty.

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