Misadventures Of An Average Mom

Because Average is the New Awesome!

36 weeks

Today hurts. Today I am 36 weeks pregnant… except I’m not.

I haven’t posted over the past 6 months because I lost myself so deeply I was pretty much existing and going through the motions. I put on a good face, and can act along with the best of them but inside I have been screaming. Silently sobbing on the inside one minute and desperately wanting to thrash anything I can get my hands on the next. I really can’t even put into words how bipolar I have, and still do at times, felt. I think more than that though I have felt alone. Completely. Utterly. Alone. I know there are so many more women that suffer miscarriage than anyone realizes and I had several reach out in the beginning. My husband, while supportive enough, still can’t help but have a “get over it”, “don’t dwell on it” mentality. I don’t know how. I don’t know what the rules are for grief of a person that never was. I just know I feel an emptiness that I know can never be filled.

Anyway, today I should be 36 weeks pregnant. So, because of my past pregnancies and the complications that resulted, my doctor said that I would never be allowed to go past 36 weeks in a pregnancy for fear of rupture or other fun problems. That means that today, if I even made it this far, I would be having my baby. I should have a new baby.

The whole month is going to be hard for me. I am prone to emotional triggers, which is so stupid I realize, but it’s just how I work. The little reminders in everyday life that shouldn’t be a big deal will set me off and I can’t control it. It almost seems fitting that my due date is in October Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. So, I have today when I would have definitely had a baby. I have October 15th- Pregnancy loss awareness DAY, and October 31st- my actual due date. Three days to remind me of what I am missing. There are of course the other reminders too. Someone who has a brand new baby, a beautifully fully pregnant woman walking by, a woman with 3 kids in tow.

On the flip side, I know that there is no good reason for me to feel I SHOULD have these things or that I am entitled. Clearly, I should NOT because it didn’t happen. It went away. If I was meant to have my other baby, I would be in a hospital bed right now struggling with sleep depravity and how the heck to nurse the kid and deal with two others. HOW do women DO that?

In the last 6 months I have tried to cope in a lot of ways and I find it amazing and wonderful how our mind can try to do these things. I am a firm believer in a lot of things. I am sure there is an afterlife but am still seeking out how that really plays out. I believe we can have spirits that visit us and walk among us. I believe there are angels to watch over us and comfort us- I have to or I wouldn’t have a lot of things in my life really. I have one wonderful thing that I hold onto that comforts me and gives me hope. I haven’t even told Paco or my mom about it. I have kept it just for me. I think it is an interesting and important thing to share though to give others hope and to show that there are ways to find healing in the darkest moments.

If kind of starts with some back story though. Looking back at my 12 weeks of pregnancy I really do feel I was going to have a girl. I know it sounds dumb, and I know that it is impossible to prove. But I have been pregnant with both before and there is just that whole mothers intuition thing and I just strongly feel like my body was telling me it was a girl. Knowing that and because I have to find ways to hold onto things, I named my baby Opal. It is the birth stone of October and Paco gave me a beautiful mothers necklace where each kid is represented by their birth stone- so the bottom is an opal.  The reason I give this as a back story is because one night in that not awake, but not asleep state of mind I had a “dream” [insert moment where husband reads this and starts to look into mental health commitment papers]. In this vision or dream I was visited by the most beautiful girl. She was not a kid, not a full-grown woman either but she was radiant. She looked a lot like what I imagine Lilly would when she is in her late teens, early 20’s. She said that she was Opal, my baby. She explained that everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay. She said she knew how much I loved her, despite my initial panic at  finding out I was pregnant and that she was watching over all of us. She said she loved me and the rest of our family and that I would always have her. She said that I should not worry, that if somehow I ever got pregnant again it would be her. Somehow and whatever way, her soul would find her way back to our family and she would be with us. If not though, to remember that I will see her again and she will be waiting.

Like I said, I know that sounds… completely out there. But it gave me the most peace I have felt in all this time.  Whether it was a beautiful manifestation some deep part of my brain concocted to lower my stress levels or if it truly was some divine moment, I am so grateful for it. Because, weirdly, I have it to look back on and remember and just feel more at ease.

I know that I will continue to heal. The deep sadness will pass. I will always wonder what ‘could have been’ and ‘what if’. I will always miss her. I can try to use this as a way to be the veteran, the person to help guide other friends and women who have the same tragic experience. I hope to find some way to give back to strangers. I just feel like there could and should be something for the women who get nothing. When you have a miscarriage you often get not one thing. I have no ultrasound picture. I have no mementos. I have no pictures or tiny footprints. I think part of grieving is having something to cherish and to make it real. Hopefully I can find a way to do this for others so they have a way to cope.

Most importantly I know that I can also deeply appreciate what I have. I know that I can get to myself and be a better version of myself.

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Some people just don’t understand.

My cousin, who has suffered 3 miscarriages herself, has said it best so far for me: “It doesn’t matter that you have two other kid at home, this loss is allowed to affect you.” I am allowed to be sad for THIS baby. Yes, I am beyond blessed and fortunate and lucky to have my two beautiful and [mostly] healthy kids. (Edison has a seizure disorder which, luckily, right now is under control with medication). Why should I be upset when I already have kids at home? People can resent me for having any kids at all because maybe they suffer from infertility and haven’t been fortunate enough to get pregnant yet.  I did too. I get it. I had to painstakingly go through rounds of medications, timing everything, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work. For months… I have been there and I know how much it sucks to watch everyone walk around with kids. And here I am one of the lucky ones that had success with my fertility treatments. I have two kids.  I understand it from both sides.

But, I should have three.

This was an entirely new person and I am allowed to be sad. I am allowed to resent a million new moms at the moment because they get to have their babies, hopefully, and I do not. Mine was taken from me. I don’t get to find out who it would have been, how it would have acted or behaved, what it would have looked like, how it would have played WITH the other two kids I have. Yes, I am lucky to have two kids, but I will always wonder what life would have been like with three. I am forever a mother of three children, one of them just has wings and gets to live with God instead of me.

I’m allowed to be sad and pissed off still just two weeks out from having my miscarriage.

I promise, I will ‘get better’. I won’t dwell on it. I won’t let every little thing affect me. I won’t share every detail that DOES affect me. But, just being two weeks after it still kind of consumes my thoughts and I get so tired of people asking if I am okay. Or seem totally confused that I don’t act like myself and wonder what is up. DUDE.. you know what happened, what do you think is up? I never understood until I was there either so I know people just don’t know better but get a clue! I’m not going to bouncing around all perky and happy right now and I’m not even sorry for it. I feel like I am doing a pretty damn good job interacting and being human right now.

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Breaking through

I think I am starting to feel better. I know that everyone (EVERYONE) who has had similar experiences have said they have some really dark days after their miscarriages and I guess I am no exception. I am still going to have a lot of sad times but I don’t think they are going to consume my days. I honestly still don’t really even think I have reached the true acceptance stage of grieving. I am still sad and pissed as hell that it happened.Still, I am just so mad looking back over the past few weeks. All of the symptoms I had that I either completely brushed off or just didn’t think much of. I just feel like had I known something would have been different. I know that probably isn’t true and it is something I need to let go of because no matter what the outcome is the same and there is nothing I can do to change anything.  It doesn’t make it better but I do understand how common it is though and I have learned of so many people I know that have had a miscarriage and have opened up to me about it. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will say that I could not and do not properly function without my husband. He has never been more understanding about anything and has given me every allowance with my feelings that I need. Not that he should or would say I need to just be better (especially after just a little over a week) but still… I feel extremely fortunate to have him by my side and love him so much.

I got the necklace I ordered in the mail today and I am so happy I went ahead and got it. It is a very simple necklace but the symbolism it will have for me means a lot.

Really, I guess I don’t have much to say when I am not in utter despair. At least, nothing I haven’t already said. I will have a lot going on this next couple of weeks because the kids’ school is having their annual carnival. I am the PTA treasurer so I do a lot for the school in general, but the carnival requires a little extra time because we have a silent auction and, well, someone has to take all the money.

One of these days I will be back to my perky self and posting about nonsensical things and an onslaught of photos of the kids. Not hat anyone finds that very interesting either, but, it’s all I got.

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I’m not okay…

You know how simple (and overused) the questions “How are you? Are you doing okay? How is your day?” are? They are your very basic greeting. Family ask them. Friends. The grocery store clerk all ask “and how are you doing today?”. The problem lies in when you are not okay. And, I am NOT okay. That is a surprisingly hard thing for me to vocalize because I have always been one to push on through and be fine. I’m not fine. The thing is, people don’t want you to tell them you aren’t okay. The grocery store checker asks how your day is going but the last thing they want to hear is that it is complete shit. Not only that day, but all of the days leading up to it for a week. They get an awkward tone and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry to hear that” or [over cheerfully] “I sure hope it starts to get better for you!” or worse yet just a simple “…oh….”.

The thing is I am just not okay. I want my baby. It is the only thing I can think of. Everything and nothing all at the same time are reminders of my loss. I start to cry and usually just start maniacally repeating through strained breath: “I want it back, I want it back, I want it back”. I know that isn’t how things work and I know that can’t happen. But it’s true. I just want my baby back.

I keep trying to convince myself I should be better and expedite any grief processes and rationalize why I should even feel that way. I was in the first trimester and I had only known with certainty for a week. Most pregnancies end in miscarriage. I was petrified at the idea of a third kid in the first place. None of these make it okay. None of these excuse that it happened. If anything they make it worse. I was supposed to be almost done with my first trimester. My baby had arms, its fingers were all separated and had fingernails. It was the size of a kumquat and was 1.25 inches long. It was a real tiny baby. Had its little heart not stopped beating at that almost 10 week mark it should have been bigger. It should have been more. It should still be there now.

Between the “normal” grief process and the hormones that have been building up for 12 weeks, internally I am a mess. I haven’t even been trying that hard to hide it on the outside. I am currently existing. I do the normal routine. I get the kids ready for school. I do laundry, dishes, clean the house, took out the trash, and I have even been weeding the gardens. But I don’t laugh. I don’t even smile. I don’t care.

I want this baby back. Although I have had the thoughts: “maybe we could have another one” and the “I didn’t think it was possible since I have always suffered with infertility, but now maybe it can happen”… It doesn’t mean I want one. I wanted this one. This was my miracle. This was my baby that wasn’t supposed to be possible but somehow managed. Before it didn’t anyway. This was supposed to be the third child I always wanted.

And then I blame myself for that. I didn’t know. I didn’t think I could have one so I didn’t do or avoid everything I should have. I have been thinking of all of the many ways I am completely responsible for its death. I drank too much coffee. I pushed myself too hard exercising. I had a cold with a fever for a couple of days back in early March. I had 6 glasses of wine between conception and… end. I took a medication that I shouldn’t have because the doctor told me to take it since I didn’t know.

I have so many thoughts within any given minute that I can’t even separate them out anymore before becoming a puddle. The what if’s and what could have been’s and just the why’s. Why did God give me such an amazing and wonderful gift just to take it away so quickly. What lesson am I supposed to learn from this? If everything happens for a reason, what ultimate outcome does this play a part in?

I know there is no time limit on it and no one is pressuring me to be myself, yet. But I feel the looming presence of it there. I feel like everyone wants me to just miraculously be my normal self. It shouldn’t be a big deal since it was an early pregnancy loss so I should be okay soon. I’m not. I am not okay.

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Literally. I honestly just feel numb. I can be sitting and find that I will be staring off into space and my legs, arms, all of me just feels numb. Most of all, I think my heart feels the most numb and broken.

I didn’t really know what to expect on Friday with the D&C. I handle medical stuff well, so I don’t know if it was just the general idea of the procedure or the procedure itself that made me nervous. I’m guessing the former. There is no good solution in a case like this. If you miscarry at home you stand a chance of ‘catching it’ to do some kind of proper or more ceremonial handling but really you likely just flush it. It’s not a fish. At the office, it is handled like any other biohazard tissue but at least they do pathology testing. Same deal, it’s not an appendix or tonsils. Heck, they used to let you keep your tonsils even. But, I know I feel that way because I am it’s mother. To me, no matter what size it was or what form it had, it was MY baby. I think that is the aspect that hit hardest.

As far as the actual procedure went, well, like they said would happen the details are getting fuzzier. The nurses went over everything in a considerably more hurried and blaze´ manner than I would have preferred but I understand they have to be compassionate enough but detached given how many of those they see. They prepped an IV, gave me the torodol shot for numbing, and just generally explained things or let me be. My doctor was on call in the hospital and held up with a patient when the time came for my appointment. I took the lull as an opportunity to make a semi-desperate plea. I don’t know what their practice is, but I wanted to see if they had the ultrasound picture on file. I know it seems silly to want it, but it’s the only thing I would have had. I just wanted something to show it was there. She said in the case of a demise they don’t usually give them and most of the time the pictures are done in real time anyway so there likely isn’t an image even saved. I think that is poor practice, personally, but I guess I’m not the doctor. The nurses brought Paco in since it could have been around a half hour wait for the doctor. Luckily it didn’t take that long. I didn’t want to just get it over with, but I didn’t want to sit there waiting either.

My doctor gave me the IV versed to make me ‘sleepy, woozy, selectively amnesia-tic’ whatever of those you want to go with. I remember commenting that it worked really fast and when I turned my head it had that ‘just getting drunk’ feeling. I remember tearing up and just generally being sad (obviously) when she started. I know I felt it and I heard it but I didn’t really react. I may have been trying to talk throughout part of it just because when I am stressed or nervous I talk. I do remember as my doctor was leaving her and the nurses were talking about how obvious it was I have a high pain tolerance because I really didn’t even wince, let alone tense or anything. They said I was a champ.

I really haven’t had any physical anything to write home about. I never got cramps with periods (when I got them…) so I guess this isn’t too much different. I have had minor twinges of discomfort but mostly it’s my emotional state that is suffering. I don’t want to dwell and I am going to try not to. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. All of my friends have been amazing supportive and coming out of the woodworks to describe their own experiences with a miscarriage. It helps because it acknowledges it. It makes it real. It shows it happened, that even if just for a short time it was there. But, people aren’t going to want to be reminded. They aren’t going to want to feel awkward. They aren’t going to want to be around a sad person and not know what to say or say the wrong thing. I wouldn’t either but I just don’t know how I am supposed to carry myself right now.

I’m going to get a beautiful perennial flower to plant in my cutting garden. With it I will get some kind of memorial stone or angel to place in front. Then, since I have nothing else, I will have that flower every year. I also got this beautiful necklace for myself because, I don’t know, I guess I just need something to help grieve or acknowledge. I chose the April crystal since the diamond is April’s birth stone. I look forward to getting it to wear. To remember.


I know I will get through this time. I have two beautiful and amazing kids already that need me. I need them too. I know I am lucky to have them when so many have lost many pregnancies without any kids. But, I was still looking forward to having 3 running around and to see what this child would be. There will always be a part of my heart that is just a little empty.

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The week I was pregnant

I had two wonderful pregnancies that went smoothly and were perfect… until they weren’t. I got severe pre-eclampsia and the kids came early. Really early. It was a scary time and there are several experiences I have never had as a pregnant woman that are milestone type events. I have two kids but don’t know what a good solid rib kick feels like. I have never even felt a braxton hicks contraction, let alone a real one. Because of the downhill nature my pregnancies take, it was advised with extreme sincerity that I should really not have more kids. And, considering I had to take fertility medication to get both of them  in the first place, I figured this was a no brainer and no problem. I even became extremely happy and content with the idea of just two kids. How does anyone manage more anyway?

Then last Tuesday happened. I had my IUD taken out at the beginning of the year because I was sick of side effects. Remember though, I am broken and we tried to be careful anyway. Still, I hadn’t been feeling great and I had any other number of symptoms I could excuse away. Then I just had a strange suspicion that something was up. I got a pregnancy test while I was grabbing some other groceries- the cheapest one at Target because there was no way I was pregnant anyway, why spend the money on it. I grabbed a coffee and went home to unload groceries and went ahead to do the test just because I had it and why not.

I can’t describe the shock and awe I experienced when that positive test line showed up. I had such a mixed range of emotions all colliding into each other at the same time. Mostly, I was scared.to.death. Pregnancies are great for me, until they aren’t after all. And, where am I going to put another kid in my already lacking space split foyer home? FIVE YEARS between the two youngest. I am starting over again. I don’t know how to start over and I don’t know how to juggle 3 children. These are all thoughts that managed to jumble around in such a short time frame. And yet, there was a hint of “oh my gosh, I can’t believe this happened. I always wanted a third kid and I don’t know how this miracle happened!”.

I got the lab work at the OB done and went to my moms office where I broke the news to her in a very tearful weepy manner- not my proudest moment. She was immediately excited and then just as quickly worried or scared. She calmed me and said that we will figure it out. That’s all there is and how amazing this is. All things happen for a reason. I called another friend and yes, finally let my husband in on the news. He took it surprisingly better than I but was also skeptical that it could be true.

The next couple of days I spent coping with the idea of having three kids. But, we told our daughter and she was over the moon excited. She promptly thought of at least 4 names and drew me a picture in a frame of the baby. We told some family members and everyone had the same reaction. Such excitement and joy! Then worry and concern. Still, this one will be different because it is just so miraculous.

The more people I told the more excited I got. I was still scared and I still had doubts on how I could possibly manage it. Still, I started to look at craigslist to see how much people were charging. I looked into bassinets since we don’t have a lot of space and needed to figure something out. I knew for sure we would use a space saver high chair because what a hassle to have that huge high chair taking up space. I had friends super excited for me and wanted to throw a baby shower because… duh… it’s a baby shower and I got rid of everything so I’m starting completely over.

On Saturday we got bad news about my grandfather so I rushed up to his hospital to say goodbye. He was only 5 days shy of his 91st birthday. After visiting with family that could make it and say goodbye to grandpa I had to get back to my house to do some work on the bathroom we have been fixing up. Grandpa died 20 minutes after I left.

The rest of the weekend was uneventful albeit sad but I focused on the baby. I still had panicky moments and the more of them I had the more guilty I felt for it. I am a mother of two. I stay at home and always have. Why would I be so apprehensive about adding another one? I always wanted another one for goodness sake! I started to question my hesitancy and did the typical pregnant woman thing of wondering if everything was actually okay. I have had two kids and something didn’t seem right. If I was 12 weeks pregnant I should feel some kind of heaviness in my abdomen. I focused on my appointment Tuesday even though it was just for routine history info.

Tuesday came and I was nervous. I had to pay and met with the OB history person. She seemed concerned about a couple things and figured since I should be 12 weeks along it made sense to see if I could get an ultrasound scheduled. I had to get some lab work done first and then went out to schedule. I was already there for well over an hour but luckily they got me in for one just 15 minutes later.

I knew.

I have had two kids before. So, I knew. My little perfectly baby shaped thing was on screen and I got to see the screen the whole time and the tech did the measuring with all the numbers visible. 9 weeks, 4 days. She zoomed in on the heart to get a doppler reading. It didn’t move. The doppler lines didn’t move. The tech looked stoic the whole time and didn’t say a word. I knew better than to ask since I knew she couldn’t tell me anything anyway, that was the doctors job. I honestly did my very best not to cry in the waiting room to back to the doctors room but I’m sure I looked scary to any other expectant woman.

The rest was the routine stuff. My doctor came in and confirmed it – a missed miscarriage. Again, I held it together the best I could. I have always been someone who will mostly put on a brave face when publicly dealing with hard things. She explained that given the size it would probably be too much blood loss to miscarry naturally at home and asked if I preferred an in-office D&C or one at the hospital. I have a high threshold for pain and honestly I can’t afford the hospital and anesthesia charges to do it at the hospital so I opted for the in-office procedure.

My husband was waiting for me when I got home. It isn’t the type of news you want over a text message but I couldn’t talk and he needed to know why he had to go pick our son up from pre-school. He is amazing. He is my rock. I didn’t make it up the stairs before he embraced me and shared my grief. It is not something any couple should have to share but I truly feel so  fortunate to have him by my side for this.

The worst of this is that I found out on the day of my grandfathers funeral visitation. On the one hand, I already had a really good excuse to be crying all day. On the other, I looked like I had been crying for a week solid before I even walked in the door. The other sad aspect is having to contact everyone you already told about the baby and now say it wont be.

One week. In one week I had the shock of my life. I had to process it and wonder why. I had to deal with the loss of my grandfather who I will miss dearly. In one week I got to think of what could be and what it would be like to be a family of 5. I got to think of all the new things I needed and what I could definitely do without. I thought of the plans that would be put on hold but I got think of the baby I would be holding instead. In one week I got my hopes up and then dreams crushed.

I cannot express the pain I have felt in the past two days and know that Friday will probably be the worst day of my life so far. No one should hurt this badly. I have a new appreciation for so many women that have been in my shoes. I know I will not get over it, but I will get past it. I have loving family and friends and I know they will understand the need to grieve. I know I will meet people who don’t understand and won’t know how to react. But, that is okay.

It may not seem like much to anyone else, but for one week I was pregnant.

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Hey! Long (LOOOOOONNNNG) time no… post? After we got back from California we literally jumped right into all things back to school related and any and all of my free time went to the wayside. I volunteer frequently at the school and am PTA treasurer and, while those aren’t excuses, it makes for a busy hectic life. I realized that I have neglected this blog and with the start of a new year, some new goals in life, and just needing time for ME I want to get back to posting. Even if I realize no one really cares. Really.

To start things off [yet again] today is my 32nd birthday! I think that once I hit 35 I will start to get panicky, but not quite yet. I am settled enough in life that being the dreaded ‘over 30’ doesn’t stress me out too much. I will admit though that I feel I am starting to feel kind of old. It’s a dumb thing to say, but I really do feel the whole metabolism thing dropping off. I’m more creaky in the knees and other joints than I was a couple of years ago. Plus I just have more and more moments in life where I can say “why, back when I was a kid blah blah blah” or, you know, my childhood toys are now in antique stores. whomp whomp.

As birthdays go the older you get, we didn’t have any huge plans or big celebrations planned. At the very start of the week we got 12 inches of snow dumped on is and since it has been so cold none of it has gone anywhere. Today the high was in the upper 30’s so it made for perfect sledding weather. We went out to the nearest sledding hill and started in. We had a BLAST. The kids had such a fun time and, honestly, I completely forgot how awesome REAL sledding is. Unfortunately the kids had their first epic sled crash with a guy (our age) out sledding with is wife and friends. His sled took a sharp 90 degree turn and slammed right into the kids as they were nearing the bottom of the hill. I ran down to meet up with them and dry tears and while no injuries were had, feelings were hurt, the sled was destroyed, and the poor guy felt terrible. He felt badly enough he insisted we take his sled and ultimately forced $25 on us to get hot chocolate for the kids on the way home.

This is from a quick jaunt sledding last week up at the school right in the middle of all the action! It was hard to sled and the wind was fierce, but the kids still had fun!

DSC_0875 After sledding we went to the store for lunch and ran a few errands so I could hit up local business for donations for the school silent auction for a library renovation/updating. Like I said, pretty exciting stuff. I did finish the day off by indulging in a nice dessert courtesy of my mom – couldn’t be here today without her don’t ya know 😉

Anyway, like I said I hope to try and update this with things going on in life. I mentioned goals after all, so along the journey if I find anything that might be helpful to others I will definitely post it. One of my goals is weight loss, per usual it would seem, and after 5 weeks of efforts I have at least lost 10 pounds so it is something. I also want to focus more on my ‘sewing as a business’ and find new things to make and list on my newly opened etsy shop ( https://www.etsy.com/shop/YesterdaysDreamsShop ) *check it out! And feel free to offer up suggestions or constructive criticism!

‘Til next time!- Thanks for reading!

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Last days in San Diego

Wednesday morning Paco took a late day for work so we could all go to the beach as a family one last time before we headed back to Iowa. The kids love the beach but Edison was kind of back and forth on the whole thing that morning. He wanted to go out in the water but didn’t want to go out too far once you were there. He ran to play with the sand toys but then expected me to do all the digging. He did this the whole time we were there. Even still, the kids enjoyed it a lot and were really happy to have daddy there for a beach trip on a nice day! Speaking of, we got one of the last 3 spots in the lot at 9am. There are a lot of spaces to park there too… It got really crowded by the time we had to leave to grab lunch and get Paco to work.

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Wednesday night we had our very last stop at the Pacific Beach Fish Shop. We had my brother in law, Sean, and his wife meet us to eat with us since we wouldn’t really get to see them again before we had to leave. The Fish shop was, not surprisingly, AMAZING. After we finished we went down the street towards Mission Blvd and tried a fun dessert/ ice cream place called The Baked Bear. It is such a great idea for an ice cream shop! They have a ton of fresh baked cookies in varying flavors. You pick two (or two different) cookies and then pick an ice cream and they make a delicious custom made ice cream sandwich. We each got one and were on our way to enjoying them. really… very much WERE on our way. That is until Edison realized he didnt just have a couple of cookies. No, they were RUINED with ice cream. I should note that he was probably getting tired because we were out until no earlier than 9:30 both Monday and Tuesday and here it was already after 8. That and he just really likes cookies. Sean was nice enough to take him for a walk to chill out since he had already finished his treat. Lilly had about a third of hers and decided she was done so Paco an I hurried along and took the kids’ with us to go. (Not the best idea unless you get the styrofoam to-go containers. I may or may not have ended up with a good amount of ice cream drippage on my hands on the way home.

Thursday, our last real day, in San Diego. It was really strange that this popped up so quickly. The past 6 weeks went so quickly. One of the things I had wanted to do all along is meet up with some amazing ladies that I actually met online in a facebook craft lovers group! We are all over the country and the fact that 3 of them live in San Diego meant I absolutely had to meet them. We had a great time meeting at a park and letting the kids all play while we got to interact IN PERSON! I am so thankful that I have people around the US that I can meet without having any qualms whatsoever and then chat as though we have known each other our whole lives.



When the kids and I got back from our park date we had to make a trip to the pool one last time. Both of the kids loved it and we had a nice combo of the big pool and the hot tub. Edison loves the hot tub. I am torn because it wasn’t too hot that he couldn’t manage it for short times but I still don’t want to promote him being in hot tubs at such a young age. He also just walked around the outside seat without really being submerged so that makes it a little better also. He wasn’t very happy about leaving but we had to go pick Paco up from work so the two of us could have a date night. A REAL date night. Sean came over even though he has been absolutely exhausted from work. We are so thankful and happy he was able to do that for us. We were on our way without any real plan but ended up on Habor St. downtown. We went to The Fish Market and got to enjoy a seat close to the window. We weren’t right next to the window on the patio, but we could still at least see water and the harbor as opposed to being somewhere in the middle of the restaurant. I got the fresh halibut ‘caught by patty joe!’ and Paco got his [very] blackened swordfish.


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After eating we went to the infamous Extraordinary Desserts. Given where we already were and ease of traffic we went to the Little Italy location. It was beautiful. There were a lot of different dessert choices and each one looked like a little piece of art. After looking over the options we made our choices and decided to get them to-go since we didn’t want to wait and we wanted to grab a picture of the San Diego skyline at night before heading over for a late night walk on the beach. It was fun to have the time to just be with Paco since the last time that happened was before he left in May. I have been around the kids 24/7 without ANY break at all for 3 months. I love my kids, but to get to have a night out with just my husband.


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When we got back to the apartment we had our desserts and did a bunch of packing before calling it quits and left the rest to morning. I am interested to see how long it takes before I start to miss California because as much as I hate to admit it, it was a pretty fun place to visit. I still don’t know if I could manage that lifestyle forever.



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The start of our last week in San Diego!

This week went by incredibly fast. We managed to get a lot of stuff done during the week, but I just haven’t had a chance to do any updates because each night has ended so late for us.

Over last weekend when we got back from Tucson we ventured out to downtown. We wanted to go to the Farmer’s Market one last time but decided to do the Mercato Market in Little Italy instead of the smaller one in Poway. It wasn’t bad and get got what we wanted but we definitely prefer the market in Poway.

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Since we were downtown and had an hour and a half or so left on the parking meter we walked the 1.2 miles to the convention center to watch all the great people of Comic-Con International. That’s right… we were in downtown San Diego the weekend of Conic-Con. It was fantastic. I badly want to get tickets to go sometime. It was incredibly crowded so I wasn’t able to get as many great pictures of the people that were dressed up as I would have liked but I still got a few people in some outfits.

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Sunday we went to the Horton Plaza mall because I read it has very interesting architecture and would be a fun place to see. It was okay. I wouldn’t necessarily make a special trip to go but if you are in the area and want to get some decent parking validated for 3 hours go to the mall and walk around. They have big chess boards on one of the levels so Paco had fun playing that with the kids. After the mall we headed home and just had a relaxing remainder of the afternoon.

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Monday was our trip to Balboa park since we got free passes to the Science museum and Natural History Museum. I looked at the passes again before we left and realized that the science museum passes aren’t good until August 11. Major bummer. We still had the natural history museum so off we went t find it. Parking confused me so we ended up parking a bit away but were able to see more of the park including the botanical gardens/ reflecting pool. It was a beautiful park. I wish I could say the Natural history museum was amazing and inspiring or even mildly informative but it definitely fell flat. I would go as far to say if I had paid for the two kids and myself I would have been demanding my money back. As it was I am kind of annoyed I had to pay $17 for myself. We could have paid another $17 each and gotten into a special pirates exhibit they had but I just don’t see how that would have been worth it.


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Monday night we had a hard time figuring out what we were going to eat because Paco had originally tried to kind of (not really) plan a date night for the two of us. Since he got a little too late of a start planning it we ended up having to find somewhere for all four of us to eat and landed on a Chinese place in Poway called Chopsticks Chinese Cooking. It was fantastic. It was by no means fancy but it had such a great family run business going and the food was some of the tastiest Chinese I have ever had. After dinner we HAD to go to DAISO Japan. A Japanese dollar store? YES! We are suckers for places like this and spent way too much time there and may or may not have bought a ton of useful fantastic things. I just love the personification that they put on all of their products and the really awful translating products into English. Amazing.

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Tuesday we had our last day at the zoo and paid for the bus tour passes. It was a nice way to end our sumer zoo adventure. It was unfortunate we didn’t have more tim to stay because the “baby” Pandas 2nd birthday was on Tuesday. I don’t think they did anything special because they had a party on the 23rd when we were in Arizona, but it was still fun to be there on the Pandas birthday anyway! Tuesday night we headed downtown because also included in the kids library passes were vouchers for tickets to a Padres baseball game! One of Paco’s co-workers and his wife wanted to join us so they came along and sat in our section even though they had free vouchers for a considerably better section. The nice thing about ours is that they included 50% any other tickets purchased in the same area so they only had to pay $20 for their two tickets. Six total tickets for $20, not bad! The kids had a great time at the game. They made new friends, got to ride the trolley downtown, and watched a game! They also bounced around a lot but luckily the seats directly around us were empty so they were kind of able to. Since we were getting on the trolley right next to the Gaslamp Quarter sign I decided I had to have pictures of it! We had eaten in the Gaslamp Quarters Saturday and for lunch on Sunday but weren’t around this main sign.

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I figure this is as good a place as any to stop since this post has gotten insanely long. I didn’t want to do a daily update a week late because then I will NEVER catch up to the actual day. SO, tomorrow I will try to post about the last few days we had in San Diego and how this weekend has been being HOME!



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Tucson. No Thank You.

I haven’t even bothered to post because I feel like we finally had a bit of a down week. Imagine that, not running around ALL day every day! Tucson was… well, it was hot. This made it very difficult to actually do anything or make any plans to do anything. Mostly because there is, apparently, nothing to do in Tucson in the middle of summer because everyone pretty much resolves to sit inside in any air conditioning they can find.

Monday we dropped Paco off with a co-worker so they could drive in to work and then found the nearest Target so we could stock up on some essentials so we wouldn’t necessarily have to buy all our meals from places. This only kind of worked… We ended up eating lunch at the hotel/ resort and spent a TON of money on just a sandwich and a kids meal pizza. I think we just chilled in the room then and went ahead and just ate leftovers for dinner (I had a few french fries and a slice of Lilly’s pizza). yum. Paco got back around 9:30 that night.

Tuesday we got up when Paco did and drove to Scottsdale to visit our good friends from Lilly’s playground years ago. We met these fine folks when the kids were 1 year old and they have remained friends since even though they moved 3 years ago. The drive went surprisingly smoothly with the kids and even though it was 2 hours it went by seemingly fast. That was a definite bonus. When we arrived the kids all started paying immediately so I got to have some actual real MOM time and just talk for a bit. We finally realized around 1:30 that we should probably have some lunch and headed out (in the CRAZY heat) to find something fun. The original plan, Peter Piper Pizza, was closed for renovation so we went to AZ Airtime so the kids could get pizza AND burn off some energy by jumping on trampolines. Edison LOVED it. They just opened one similar to this back home but given the fact it took prying Edison away kicking and screaming I don’t know if we will visit any time soon. I need to get a handle on that kids emotions/ control. We went for some Baskin Robbins to cool off since it was a good 120 degrees in the car (and about 110 or so outside) and then headed back to the house so the kids could play again before leaving. We didnt take off until 7:30 but this was good so traffic was cleared and it had cooled down just a bit so the car wasnt straining. Paco didnt get back from work until after 10.

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Wednesday we went to the pool with friends because it has not only a pool but a splash pad and a lazy river. Yes, a lazy river at the hotel. It was fantastic. It would have been better if Edison tolerated it a little better. Luckily he really enjoyed the splash pad and pool. He is getting pretty comfortable in the water. I only hope it holds out for when we go to the lake! We ate lunch poolside by, once again, paying the crazy food prices. It was easier though than getting dressed and loading in the car to find some place. It wasnt until the next morning that I realized Edison had taken one of his blankies to the pool area and that he also left it there. Paco didn’t get back until 11:45.

Thursday we didn’t have much else to do but NEEDED to do something so we went to the Tucson Children’s Museum. It was okay but the one near our home is way better. They offered quite a few of the same things but back home it is just a little more… grandiose? Hard to describe. Anyway, the kids still had a great time and it was a needed energy burner. I couldn’t get Lilly to leave the art area so I managed to coax Edison in the 4 and under section that was attached so I could easily keep an eye on both. He loved climbing on all the things so it worked out. After 2 hours I decided we needed to get going and find lunch. Edison did not agree. Once again, I had to carry the kid kicking and screaming out. I would love for THAT behavior to stop. The problem with finding food in Tucson is that everything is special to Tucson apparently because every name in the GPS was foreign. Foreign isnt bad, but I had no idea what they were actually offering for food genre and I really didnt know what part of town it was or if it had easy parking or quickness. Ultimately we went to eegees. The sandwiches are average but it is cool you can get subs at a drive through. The eegees drinks were pretty good though, especially on the 107 degree day! After lunch and after a bit we went down to the pool and lazy river. Edison was a lot more willing to just lounge and do the lazy river than he was the other day and it was decently relaxing! Paco didn’t get home until 11. Oh, this was the same night that Lilly notice her teeth were loose. I checked and they aren’t really that loose but they have a friend joining them! I shrieked when I saw the permanent tooth growing behind her baby teeth. Unfortunately dentist says the baby teeth need to come out when we get back to Iowa.

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Thankfully Friday we got to head back to San Diego. Not until we stopped at the PIMA air and space museum though! This was one of those things that Paco really wanted to do because it was a museum of planes. Outside… nothing but hundreds of planes and other air vehicles. Paco was excited to show them to us and explain things about them. Unfortunately Lilly was happy to just complain about the heat. It is an outdoor museum. In the Desert. On a 108+ degree day. We managed to get through a lot of it but Paco decided it wasn’t worth it to go to the back half. We really were all getting pretty hot and none of us had near the amount of water we should have for the day. We started home.

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It was pretty fun to get to see a desert thunderstorm on the way back and I am just completely ticked for some reason that we could see the border to Mexico. We also got to see sand dunes. So fun! These were the interesting things to look at. Other than that the car ride was unbearable because the poor car just couldn’t really cool down because how can it compete with a consistent 113 degree temp?!?! It wasn’t until we hit the mountains that it started to cool slightly, but then we had to turn the air off because.. mountains… we went UP the mountains which causes a strain on the engine. They actually have big barrels of water for radiators along the side of the road the whole way up!

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All in all I am glad we went to Tucson because we got to see friends. Even though we didn’t really get to see Paco because he was working ALL the time at least we were there to keep him company in the car and whatnot and I now know that I will NEVER live in Arizona. It is gravel and cactus needles. No offense to those that choose it but NOPE!

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